Dr Frankenstein Man Burgs Mix and Match Latkes

From Calgarian Pierre Lamielle’s much anticipated book, Kitchen Scraps: A Humourous Illustrated Cookbook,

2009 Sep/Oct

It’s much harder to find slightly used human body parts than it is to find roots and squashes. Have fun mixing and matching the flesh of these squashes, roots and tubers to make your own formula for latkes. You’ll still have people breaking down your door, but instead of pitchforks and torches they’ll be carrying regular forks and an appetite.


  • 2 c. (or more) shredded vegetable flesh of squashes, roots and/or tubers
  • 2 T. flour (for every 2 cups of flesh)
  • 1 egg (for every 2 cups of flesh)
  • salt
  • vegetable oil for the pan
  • butter
  • sour cream
  • applesauce (store bought or Gratest Applesauce – recipe follows)


After you peel and grate your assorted squashes, roots and tubers, you will need to measure them to know how much flour, egg and salt to use. For every 2 cups of vegetable flesh, add 2 T. flour, 1 egg and a pinch of salt.

Make sure to squeeze the excess liquid from the vegetables before adding them to the mixing bowl. Mix all ingredients thoroughly, but gently, with your hands.

Heat a large frying pan to medium-low. You want to keep the temperature nice and low for slow browning and even cooking all the way through. Heat 2 T. oil. Make 4 small haystack-like mounds from the mixture in the mixing bowl and put them in the pan with plenty of space between each one. Use a flipper to flatten the stacks until they are about 1/2-inch thick. Cook until golden brown on the underside, then flip and continue cooking until brown on the other side. When they are almost finished, add 1 T. butter to the pan to melt and make the latkes glossy. Continue with the rest of the grated flesh. Serve the latkes with a scoop of sour cream and applesauce. Two cups of shredded vegetable flesh makes enough latkes for 2 ravenous villagers.

Mixing and matching is all part of the fun. Pick two or three – or more – of these roots and tubers to make your own custom monster-latke creations. For best results, stick with potatoes as the main component and add from there. Potatoes: starchy potatoes, like russets, bind latkes nicely; make sure to get rid of excess liquid after grating. Sweet potatoes and yams: sweet earthy flavour. Celeriac: awesome flavour; poor binder, needs extra flour. Parsnips: great flavour, use only a small amount; poor binder, needs extra flour. Pumpkin: amazing light texture; fantastic flavour; moderate binder, needs extra flour. Butternut squash: phenomenal flavour; moderate binder, needs extra flour.

Air on the Side of Caution

To prevent your shredded flesh from discolouring from oxidation, you need to work quickly. However, if the shredded flesh does turn brown, rest assured this will have little effect on the flavour; cooking to a golden brown should act as a camouflage. But when you’re building a monster, why worry about aesthetics?

Gratest Applesauce:

Peel, core and grate 4 Granny Smith apples into a medium pot. Add the juice of 1 lemon, 1 T. sugar, a pinch of salt and 1/2 c. water and set the pot on low heat. Cook until the apple is soft and the whole mess turns into a lovely, sweet and tart applesauce. This should take about 30 minutes.